I was on the bus home from work today. Sharing the same bus with me was my mentor. Soon, we ended sitting next to one of the head zoo keepers.
After a short conversation, I Realised that this head keeper had a similar hobby with me, fish-rearing. We went on and on, discussing about the various different types of exotic fish we kept, how interesting and difficult some proved as well as how fast some grew.
Soon, I started telling him that I wanted to restart keeping Pacus. For those who are getting lost in the jargon of ichthyology, Pacus are vegetarian pirahnas. But unlike their ferocious small red bellied pirahnas, these fish can grow. big. like 1 metre or longer. I did keep baby pacus in the past, they were cute, adorable and very responsive. Happily eating not only dried fish flakes but even fresh grapes (yes.. they are big enough to swallow grapes). But over time, due to space constraints, they were either released or simply passed away.
I stopped keeping my last pacu in J2 before my A levels and in NS, I was too preoccupied to return to my fishy hobby. But recently my flare has been rekindled. So... pacus have been on my mind. A new beginning. New babies, a new adventure.
Then the keeper looked at me and confidently shook his head. "why bother? it's a waste of time" It struck me, and he didnt even had to elaborate.
"It" did not refer the the pacu(s), but to the act of keeping them. Sometimes, when a much more senior person tells you a simple truth, it suddenly seems to make so much more sense. Why bother keeping these fish if I know that I cannot provide for them the whole way? Even if the pacus were adorable as fry, they would grow out of the caring capabilities. So why bother investing in something which would not work out. More importantly, why was I thinking of keeping exotic pacus that is not meant for me when I had my own collections of small tetras and catfishes now to maintain?
Isnt that the way it always is? We long for things we dont have, believing it to be so valuable even if it would be poison to us. In the same way, we neglect the treasures we already have. I'm glad I had the very mini-wake-up nudge from him. Other than the welfare my fishtank, my life is also facing many similar scenarios.
I am happy the way I was. But yet over time, I've been made to believe that I deserve more.. that I am worth more than I am. In order to get more of somethings I do not need, I've tainted my own nature and character. Its shocking. So now, I need to wake up and see what I already have. From now,
I will try my best to ignore all the ungodly distractions the world has placed in front of my eye. and focus on the things, values and people that really matter to me.
