Emo
--: If you are reading this, chances are that you have searched up and clued together my lastest entry on the 22nd of Dec 2006. This is an ironic post, if you are not the one I intended for this to be written- then screw off. If you are the one, a part of me wish that you never found it and the rest of me wished you have, ---:
You asked me if I was lonely as we walked down the corridor the other night.
The warm lights from the roof garden were glimmering in comparison to the glitter of your eyes. I told you I was.
I should have said something bold, but I didn't. I was scared, I'm sure you could have sensed it. There, I stood before you, in the 'grandeur' of my uniform. But I was scared-- I was scared of ruining any bit of that evening.
This is weird. That evening... It was something most of us hold dear. It was like the fairy tale conclusion to our nine months of hell (12 for me). Everytime I was outfield, in some dark jungle, we imagined how things would end, on the parade square and in that ball room. Everything about that evening in Fullerton seemed so crystal clear. It seemed as though I could see each course and each plate coming, each programme systematically commencing and ending in a crisp-clear schedule. I lead myself to believe it would be a fairy-tale night.
But then you came along and everything in my mind is gone. No more catching up with old friends, no more casual talks, no more dinner table... No more routine. For that evening, when you took me away, for whatever reasons, I abandoned all the security I had previously placed in my pre-conceptions and took that bold step with you.
I knew there would be talks among the platoon, rumors, but I didn't care. I wanted to be with you. YES> I am not a ball person. But I am not a crazy-&-run-off person either. I am a person who takes calculated risks, and for that night... It was my most worthy miscalculations ever.
As we walked down the river in our grossly inadequate attires, I stared at the Singapore skyline illuminated by downtown. I saw the pretty mix of colors that danced across the concrete structures. I saw your beautiful face. I won't make you sound fancy and elaborate, because... you are not. You are plain beautiful, that's that. In the same way, I am sad, but not in denial that I am not a person you would love to have. I don't think I can be him anytime soon.
There you sat in the roof top cushion , I am not sure if you remember. But you told me what you wanted to find in a man. I cannot satisfy that, I wished I could right here, right now, but I will not change myself so insincerely upon such an impulse. I will not act to be anyone to decieve you, even if I could, you could see through me.
To be honest, I don't know what to do. I don't want to loose you too!!
"I wish I wasn't so emo-"
"But being emo is what makes you Pedro"
You are right, in more ways than you know. I realised: I can't be less emo than this. You mean so much to me. I always try to underplay your significance to me, but I cant keep up my pathetic acting anymore. You are my anchor, my humanity, my strength, my brutality. My mils, my FUP, my H-hour, my camo-cream, my bloody load. THERE, I said it. After 12 months of humping this burden.
Please--- dont read and think that I am imposing anything on you. I am not after you, I am not 'jio-ing' you, hell-- I don't even want to get attached. I just want you to know who I am and confirm what you already know.
If i do have any final or parting words; I hope you find someone that you'll love, not someone that you'll love to have.
.
.
.
You asked me if I was lonely as we walked down the corridor the other night.
The warm lights from the roof garden were glimmering in comparison to the glitter of your eyes. I told you I was.
I should have said something bold, but I didn't. I was scared, I'm sure you could have sensed it. There, I stood before you, in the 'grandeur' of my uniform. But I was scared-- I was scared of ruining any bit of that evening.
This is weird. That evening... It was something most of us hold dear. It was like the fairy tale conclusion to our nine months of hell (12 for me). Everytime I was outfield, in some dark jungle, we imagined how things would end, on the parade square and in that ball room. Everything about that evening in Fullerton seemed so crystal clear. It seemed as though I could see each course and each plate coming, each programme systematically commencing and ending in a crisp-clear schedule. I lead myself to believe it would be a fairy-tale night.
But then you came along and everything in my mind is gone. No more catching up with old friends, no more casual talks, no more dinner table... No more routine. For that evening, when you took me away, for whatever reasons, I abandoned all the security I had previously placed in my pre-conceptions and took that bold step with you.
I knew there would be talks among the platoon, rumors, but I didn't care. I wanted to be with you. YES> I am not a ball person. But I am not a crazy-&-run-off person either. I am a person who takes calculated risks, and for that night... It was my most worthy miscalculations ever.
As we walked down the river in our grossly inadequate attires, I stared at the Singapore skyline illuminated by downtown. I saw the pretty mix of colors that danced across the concrete structures. I saw your beautiful face. I won't make you sound fancy and elaborate, because... you are not. You are plain beautiful, that's that. In the same way, I am sad, but not in denial that I am not a person you would love to have. I don't think I can be him anytime soon.
There you sat in the roof top cushion , I am not sure if you remember. But you told me what you wanted to find in a man. I cannot satisfy that, I wished I could right here, right now, but I will not change myself so insincerely upon such an impulse. I will not act to be anyone to decieve you, even if I could, you could see through me.
To be honest, I don't know what to do. I don't want to loose you too!!
"I wish I wasn't so emo-"
"But being emo is what makes you Pedro"
You are right, in more ways than you know. I realised: I can't be less emo than this. You mean so much to me. I always try to underplay your significance to me, but I cant keep up my pathetic acting anymore. You are my anchor, my humanity, my strength, my brutality. My mils, my FUP, my H-hour, my camo-cream, my bloody load. THERE, I said it. After 12 months of humping this burden.
Please--- dont read and think that I am imposing anything on you. I am not after you, I am not 'jio-ing' you, hell-- I don't even want to get attached. I just want you to know who I am and confirm what you already know.
If i do have any final or parting words; I hope you find someone that you'll love, not someone that you'll love to have.
.
.
.
posted by F I S at
12:26 pm
<< Home