Aloof

I was looking through my photo album when a fellow friend enterd my bunk and commented that I have very little photos of myself.
Hmm... true. I do have very little photos of myself. Its odd. Unlike other people who search for photos they look good in, I have a hard time merely looking for any photo that contains me in. Irony of a photographer's work.
I wish I could post an omniscent-taken photo of me right now. I want to see how I look like, not like in a mirror, but like in a photo. I can't explain myself-- I never really could since I enlisted. When I take a photo, I somehow "mould" it out the atmosphere I feel. I cant seem to do that when I shoot myself at point blank. But I can do it with you.
You have no idea how much my photos captures your essence. I feel as though you are there RIGHT there with me. You make me envious. Envious of how I can hold a part of you and yet ironically unable to grasp on to myself.
Sometimes I feel as if I take so many nature shots in compensation of my inability to self compose. This is not an inferiority complex i have, it is an inability to capture myself.
How would a real Pedro look like? Would he be in some funny postion rolling on the floor with laughter? or maybe he'll be creeping/ jumping around in other people's bunks? I don't know.
I Do know that I laugh and joke around a lot. But I should smile more. There is a difference between goofing and (genuinely) smiling.
I know I have been wearing a cheeky grin across my face..... but its time to confess. It has been very hard for me to smile. Smiling was much more difficult than I anticipated. It seems as though the more I smile the more fate mocks me and tries to coax me into resignation.
Your photo makes me smile. But it feels so distant... you feel so distant. Everyone just seems to so aloof. I know I have strayed off my path with God and it disturbs me how I am beginning to accept the hollow feeling (filling) building up inside.