Grouchy (II)

Inarticulate. Speechless. Confinement. Square. Walls. Pressure. Just a squish. four sides inwards. Behind a screen, thug, tear. Inarticulate.


I told you that i was grouchy just now. Maybe I was. But the truth is... not entirely that.
I can't pinpoint the exact words to convey myself. Ironic isn't it?
I waited so many days for you to sign in, just so that I could tell you something that I eventually couldn't. Its not as simple as love, infatuation. I understand the E4 now. How conformity shuts you up, how it drove Wilfred Owen into a mental hospital. How it drove Norman Bowker to hang himself.
Its fear. I am ... fearful. I am what you people hate to see. How does it feel to see the forces that is supposed to guard the island undermined by something as simple as fickle insecurities? Army: The Decisive Force. Trembling. Shivering.
Yes dear. I am scared. I am fearful but I couldnt bring myself to say it. I just cannot. My ex-comrades in Ninja are all congratulating me on my posting. In reality, I am fearful of what is to come.
You are a friend, someone I can talk to, someone I want to talk to. A friend should be someone I can confide in. The past few chats have been great, filled with banter and laughter. Lately, I have been staying up through late nights and early mornings just to get a glimpse of you. But when I finally see you, I feel mute. Inarticulate, speechless, confined. There is so much I want to blurge out. Then I can't. Perplexed and contrasted. Sorry, I just can't. I told you i felt grouchy and signed off knowing full well that this would be the last time I talk to you in a long time.
I hope you forgive me for being fearful, but what I feel, I feel. I feel fearful, wimpy and vulnerable and ashamed of myself. I will write to you again.



This to my friends in Tekong:::: I'm sorry I cannot join you guys for your first book-out as I am confined for 3 weeks myself. Have a ball of a time and I will see you guys again. Stay strong and call me if you need advise on anything. :-)