Puikarnium Theory

At the first glance of any male population within an educational faculty, one would very obviously see a huge mix-match variety of characters and personalities. However, upon an analytical breakdown of the populace, a distinct streaming of social status can be observed. In conformity with any other species, the studious male human is strictly adhered to a complex system of class and power. In general, there are 3 basic social classes observed within this fascinating species; The 'Cool dudes' ( also known as the Alpha males), the 'Wallflowers' (the herding mass) and the ' Losers' ( society outcasts). For today's lecture, we would focus primarily on the 'Cool dudes'.

Also known scientifically as the Alpha males, these elitist individuals often are seen above the average social standing, that of the wallflowers. They are usually have a clear distinction from the 'other guys' and therefore seem to recieve special attention and acceptance. Many unexperienced watchers often tend to mix up 'Losers' with 'Cool dudes' due to their separation from the herd, this mistake (fortunately for us) can be easily corrected. It has been positively observed that 'cool dudes' have the ability to move the herd and yet keep their body from being spat on. So what about these alpha males? After much study, I, Professor ButterHands, have formulated the Puikarnium theory. (which you can see in my previous publishment, 'Insights to the Cerebellum')
It is common knowledge that 'Cool dudes' on their own is very much still a complex group. After much research, we have classified the alpha males into 4 distinct personalties; 'Uber-masculine (UM)', 'Gay', 'Funny' and 'Jackass'. From this, we have deduced that: (puikarnium theory)

_________________________________________
Any Cool dude in a faculty must be a UM, gay, funny guy or a jackass.*
__________________________________________

The Puikarnium theory, like any other theory, does have its limitations and flaws. Much debate has risen regarding the loophole seen here. What about a UM who is funny too? In response to these, we have reformulated the new Puikarnium theory:

__________________________________________
Any cool dude in a faculty must be a UM, gay, funny guy and/or a jackass, ceteris parabis.
__________________________________________

Practically speaking, very rarely do we see a 'pure breed' cool dude. Very often, they are of mixed variant, such as a Funny UM, a Funny gay or a UM jackass etc... However, there are certain combinations which cannot be included. These include a' UM gay' or ' Jackass gay'
Suprising results have shown that most people are supremely turned off by Uber Masculine Gays, apparently their muscular built have over-amplified their gayness to a socially unacceptable level (also known as Queer). Jackass gays are also another excluded combination from the cool dudes. Their constant complaining have made the public coin them as an equivalent to a female dog, or bitch. Suprisingly, they are also known as faggots. The relationship between them and a pile of dried twigs is still under research.

Ceteris Parabis is the situation by which all other factors remain constant. This assumption is very important as external events could very easily shift the delicate social equilibrium exhibited. For example, with the constant rising trends of 'emos', a pure breed jackass is also slowly being shifted from the cool dudes to losers as society begin to treasure the welfare of fellow members. Another example is that of relationships, should a UM funny guy dupe his socially adequate girlfriend, he may very likely be casted immediately to the Loser caste. On the other hand, should a low-profile SCIENCE uber nerd date a high flying babe from ARTS, chances are that he too will become a cool dude (not because of his personality but ironically because of his sheer exclusivity), hence the Puikarnium Theory cannot be applied. But taking these new reconsiderations and conditions into account, we can easilly apply the near-to-flawless puikarnium theory to any education facility.


--- Prof. ButterHands


Professor Butterhands is a well-endowed lecturer and author of leading books on sociology, psychology and pornography. HIs best sellers include 'How to be a psychiatrist within 40 minutes' , 'Insight into the cerebellum', ' How to loved by everyone' and 'Lord of the G-string'